Feeling a tad sad tonight. Our therapist came this afternoon. She spends time with our 5 year old then asked me if school was getting better for her. I let her know that she's still struggling with being impulsive and similar behaviors and that I felt the teacher was probably very frustrated. "Yeah, I could tell. Dora the Explorer (nickname) described what it's like in the classroom." It was not happy what she described. The impatience and frustration her teacher is feeling is fully communicating to Dora. She may act 2 but she has the intellect of an 8 year old!
Then she asked if I was planning to move her to a new classroom. Ugh.
I am torn between thoughts of past students who had similar challenges. Did I treat them so impatiently that they knew I didn't like them? When they described me outside of school, was it as someone who only yells? That makes me sad.
The other half of me is sad for my sweet, impulsive, bright, cut a hole in her pants and shirt today girl. I KNOW how frustrating she can be. I also know what an amazing smile she has when I connect with her. And I know I just yelled at her too.
I want to smack my own head and wonder HOW God could have called someone like ME to this. Why in the world is He trusting ME with these children! I am too quick to jump to conclusions, too quick to condemn, too comfortable with peace and quiet, too....holy cow I'm a mess!
But isn't that just like God? We get in the middle of something WE thought WE had only to discover WE have NO CONTROL! WE are a MESS! And hopefully, we then discover the He is there waiting for us. He's equipped us with all we need. Him.
Behold, I am with you and will keep you wherever you go, and will bring you back to this land. For I will not leave you until I have done what I promised you.
I hunted off and on for months for a therapist for our kids. I kept quitting in frustration. Then one day I prayed, "Come on God. Please. I NEED for this." Later that same day I emailed a church about their VBS. BAM! I'm in an email conversation with a licensed therapist who leads worship there. She's worked with traumatized children for years. Only God.
So here I am, yet again, trying to heal, fix, solve all on my own. I'm forgetting that He is waiting to hold my hand and lead us through this journey.
So if you're like me, you're still fixated on the school situation I mentioned at the beginning of this post. What to do? I will totally admit that my Mama Bear instinct says, go tell this woman off and yank my baby out of that place!
But my, "I just yelled at her myself, was once a teacher in her shoes" self stops short. What if she's just as frustrated as I was a moment ago? What if my parents had judged me as harshly? What if God had given up on my messy, imperfect self and not trusted me with these children?
As it is written: "None is righteous, no, not one;"
She is not more messy than me so how do I give up on her for what I have myself done? She is not tormenting my child. She is just frustrated. She is not abusive, just so very impatient.
So I am praying for her patience. Praying for God to bring gentleness out in her. Praying for the words to say when I meet with her in a week. Praying that my words touch her heart and soul. Praying for guidance with and healing for my little Dora.
Gracious words are like a honeycomb, sweetness to the soul and health to the body.