Our Family

Our Family
Our Family: Pops, Me, The Teenager, The Boy, The Freckle Faced Ninja, Miss Priss, Miss Sassy Pants, Madi-Lou-Who, & Dora the Explorer

Tuesday, October 16, 2012

The Day I Ate Dog Food

OK, this can only happen to a mom.  Or a toddler.  Because a normal person doesn't eat dog food.  Not on purpose anyway.  You've probably never done something like this.  If you have, you understand my reaction.  If you haven't, stop reading now and keep your innocence!  And if you're my mother-in-law, don't read another word.  This story will make you gag!  

So I'm eating leftover pizza for breakfast, standing at the counter, talking with my husband.  Yes, you read that right.  I still live like a college kid when I can, eating pizza for breakfast (at least I heat it) and cereal for dinner.  But don't tell anyone because I'm married to this health nut guy who thinks all problems are solved (I'm sure he's right but don't tell him I said that) with the right vitamins and exercise.  I recently told him my shin hurt from hitting it and he told me I needed to work out.  :)

Anyway, the kids weren't up yet, so not only was I eating pizza for breakfast, while my husband ate his healthy egg and toast, I was SNEAKING it.  Because they were gonna get Cheerios.  I'm also a bit immature and don't share well. :)

So while enjoying my pizza and early morning chat with my spouse, I dropped a piece of pepperoni.  Now I fully embrace the 5 second rule, or I did before this day, so I grabbed it and popped it in my mouth.  And it crunched.  Not the crunch of over-cooked pepperoni.  The crunch of something that did not belong in my mouth.   

At first my mind tried to make sense of it.  Then my mouth rebelled.  Because, while all I could taste in that first crunch was pepperoni, my mind remembered that I had just fed the dog.  In that very spot.  And I'd dropped some dry dog food on the floor.  

Apparently when I scooped up my innocently delicious piece of pepperoni, I'd also scooped up the small piece of dog food that was under it.  So I'm starting to gag.  

As I mumble something about having just eaten a piece of dog food and proceed to spit out my mouthful in the trash, my supportive husband just stood there and laughed.  Laughed!  

After rinsing my mouth out repeatedly for probably 10 minutes, I actually could not eat another bite.  Every time I looked at the pepperoni I dry heaved!    Literally.  So part of me was lamenting wasted pizza while the other half wanted to go brush my teeth 15 times.  I did 3 times. 

I know most of you have no idea what I am talking about.  Thank your creator.  I feel as if my innocence was lost and I can no longer wonder what dog food tastes like.  Because it tastes like it smells.  I have no idea how the dog manages to get it down but I now am more than willing to feed him table scraps!  

Saturday, October 13, 2012

My left leg and other oddities

I have discovered something.  I'm right legged.  Over the past year or so, I've noticed that when we are standing during worship at church, that my right leg keeps time to the music.  My left leg is unable to keep the beat.  So I've come to the conclusion that I'm right legged.

Now, I know your attention never wanders during church.  This is no reflection on the music, service, or anything else other than my ADDishness at times.  Someone out there is shocked that I focus on my leg during church (others of you know how fitting it is!).  It's not a focus, more of a passing thought.  But it plagues me.  Every service.  This inability of my left leg to keep time. 

Now I notice other odd things about me.  I drive better with my left hand.  Especially if my right hand has a cup of coffee or a phone.  I cannot swap hands and be as proficient.  I'm liable to spill my coffee.  And that would be a tragedy!

I talk to myself when I'm alone.  Out loud.  In the car.  Sometimes I even argue with myself.  Sometimes I tell off someone who made me mad.  Of course sometimes people I know notice and tell me they saw me "singing" at a traffic light the other day.  Yup.  Beltin' one out!  That's not the odd part.  I think all of you do that too, you just don't admit it!  But when I talk to myself, if I say a word I wouldn't normally say in front of my children, I apologize.  To the empty van.  And to God.  Because they both care that I just said, "crap" in front of no one.  

Now I know some of you are thinking, "That's not ALL that's odd about you!"  Hush.  Some things just don't need to be said out loud.   ;)

I have a sarcastic streak in me a mile wide that my husband and children are privileged to deal with 24/7.  There are times when I am in a very sincere conversation with someone, that I have to really restrain myself from voicing the sarcastic thoughts that are flowing through my mind.  It's like some sort of curse!  Every once in a while Tony will suggest that we work on lessening the sarcasm around the house.  That's like telling Shrek to not be sarcastic.  I just tell him that's why he married me.  For my caustic wit! 

I take great joy things that are a bit odd.  The fact that our 25 lb dog is afraid of rain (not storms just rain), squirrels when it's dark, and getting his paws wet make me laugh probably harder than it merits.  I love when our teenager, who is brighter than me, uses words like "rhetorical", almost correctly, but not quite. (i.e. while reading Harry Potter, "How does getting bitten by a werewolf kill you?  That's probably one of those rhetorical questions.")  I love that when discussing superpowers we'd like, our 6 year old's would be to have a fairy. 

I have to restrain myself from rearranging the dishwasher EVERY time someone else loads it.  Wrong.  Because there is a right way to load the dishwasher just as there is a right way to put the roll of toilet paper (over).  I think I'm a bit like that crazy guy in Ace Ventura sometimes, "Laces OUT!"  There's also a right and wrong way to fold towels and I compulsively refold them after someone else does it.  Same with t-shirts.  My husband has actually been telling me for 17 years to stop folding his undies.  Yeah, good luck with that one!  

I order a large coffee at the drive through with 2 splendas and 10 creamers just to hear the reaction.  OK, I do love the creamer in my coffee but I love the, "How many creamers did you say?" reaction.  

I have to restrain my laughter when one of my kids asks a question loudly that embarrasses the other person about something dumb the person is doing.  Like, "Mommy if cigarettes are so stinky and kill you, why is that man smoking one?"  "Mom, why does that man have a ring in his nose?"  "Why is that woman in the store in just her bra?"  I know it's inappropriate and I am extraordinarily juvenile!  I do correct the kids before the person in question comes after us.  But inside?  I'm dying laughing. 

I check Face Book before I check my email. 

I always check the mailbox for spiders before sticking my hand in there!

I occasionally make raw cookie dough using splenda and justify it's "healthier", but I hide it from the kids! 

Sometimes I go in the bathroom, pretending I gotta go, and lock myself in just to get 5 minutes alone.  Usually gets me about 30 seconds. 

Well I'm sure most of you could add 50 things to this that are odd about me.  Just food for thought that I'm odd and still found a man to marry me and his family hasn't pretended not to know us yet.  That's always a possibility after they read this though!  :)