This was not my idea!

Ever had God press something into you that scared the crap out of you? 

Last time that happened we went from 1 to 4 kids (and no, this is not an announcement that we're adopting again).  It's funny how just thinking of something can make me feel panicky, Like, "Seriously God?  You want me to do what?  That's not even on the same continent as my comfort zone!" 

Sometimes I forget that God can see the whole road, while I can only see to the next bend.  The road curves and I lose sight of my path. 

When I stopped teaching school last May, I was trying to readjust. Breathe.  Two years of whirlwind stopped.  Adjust to having 4 kids.  Adjust to being at home (uh-oh, time to learn to cook).  Learn how to homeschool.  Be with my own children 24/7.  

It's taken more than 6 months.  I'm adjusted (notice I didn't say "well-adjusted!).  I've even gotten some routines going and SOME days we maintain a schedule.  Not that you could call it a schedule because it's not very regular.

So now I'm pondering.  Is this where I am to be?  Am I to find contentment as a stay-at-home, homeschooling mom?  Or a stay-at-home, send my kids to school, be the room-mom, mom?  Believe me, I could easily be VERY happy with those roles, as is! 

But there is this underlying restlessness.  This sense that I have something to do.  As if God is telling me He has something more.  Apparently he's not seen the pile of laundry waiting for me! 

I'm reading Ann Voskamp's blog (http://www.aholyexperience.com/).  I would so love to meet her!  She has this poetic writing that makes me feel as if I'm breathing in God when I'm reading.  In a post I read recently, she's describing her nerves at speaking at a women's conference (she wrote the book One Thousand Gifts).  And I hear God whisper into my heart.  "You too."

"Oh, no, what?"  I actually looked around to see who God could be talking to!  I was alone. Thus began the argument.  "I haven't written a book!  What the heck would I say to a bunch of women?  God, I even forgot to do my bible study this week for my class.  I'm sure there's someone better!" 

"Oh no.  I mean you."  At this point my heart begins to pound and my palms get sweaty.  "Surely you jest."  I feel God's gentle smile.  It's like watching a baby fight sleep, knowing they will succumb soon.  You just smile and wait.  So God smiles at me.  And waits. 

So after a time, I share this with my husband.  I think God wants me to write a book and speak to women. 

"About what?"  he asks.

"No idea!"  I reply.  "Honestly, I think there's some mistake.  I have no idea what He thinks I have to tell anyone." 

"It's not from you.  It's from Him.  Speaking through you."

Ahhh.  Well that makes me feel better.  Hope He starts speaking through me soon.  I share with my discipleship group and they all are so encouraging I feel beholden to start writing this book that I don't know what will be about.  I sit and stare at the computer and end up on facebook. 

The scary thing is, I've thought about it before.  Talking to women.  About being a mom, wife, daughter.  Wish I knew what I was talking to them about!  I want specifics!  A script would be nice!

This is one of those defining moments.  And I know I'm flubbing it.  When people say they are writing a book, people always ask what it's about.  "No idea" isn't really a great answer. 

But isn't that how God works?  He gives us just enough then he lets us get used to it.  Then He begins to work.  And amazing things happen.  So I guess my flubbing won't really matter because it's all God's work anyway! 

Ever have something like that in your life?  Has God ever presented you with a plan for your life that you thought was out of your league?  For someone else who had it all together? 

But those all-together people?  They don't truly exist.  Just ask them.  They'll quickly tell you it's an illusion (or they're lying!).  They have piles too.  Maybe it's not laundry but piles of something.  Insecurities.  Fears.  Papers.  Bills.  Something piles up on us all and makes us think we can't.  We aren't capable.  We aren't meant to.  We aren't good enough. 

Amoung the piles of laundry and unfiled papers, I have other piles.  They whisper to me those words of inadequacy.  "Who are you to try to raise 4 kids?  Who are you to think you have something to offer?  Who are you to think you are a good wife, a good mother?  Who are you to think you can put pen to paper and have something worth reading?  Who are you to think you could ever fit into that size?"

Isn't that how we all feel?  Less.  Inadequate.  Damaged goods.  And we are.  Our hearts hurt from our failures.  From casual words that stung.  From childhood pain that we can recall as if it were yesterday. 

Funny how God makes sure we get it from all sides.  He communicates a vision.  Then someone makes an off hand comment.  About a week before that a woman in my discipleship group commented that she loved my blog and I'm a really good writer.  I thanked her but not much thought.  Then, not 24 hours after this argument with God that I had still not given in to, a friend commented casually, "Hey, I've been waiting for you to update your blog!"  I know she thought I was nuts when I stammered and stared at her before finally spitting out some answer.  No idea what I said. 

Then I see a friend carrying Ann Voskamps book.  We spent a weekend together and that book stared at me for 3 days. 

Recently we've starting reading and discussing the book of Exodus with our kids.  We get into chapters 3 and 4 and we're talking about how Moses sees the burning bush and meets God.  God gives him instructions to go back to Egypt to bring out the Israelites.  We go through all of Moses objections and disbelief as well as God's answers.  I don't think twice about it. 

UNTIL...Exodus 4:10-13 pops up in my bible study this past week. Moses has already protested that no one will believe him, TWICE.  So God's getting a bit exasperated I think. 

Now Moses pleads with him, "Oh my Lord, I am not eloquent, either in the past or since you have spoken to your servant, but I am slow of speech and of tongue."  Ex 4:10  Look God, I stutter, I'm clumsy, they hate me there, send someone else.  There must be someone better, more capable, someone not wanted for murder! 

God's answer?  "Who has made man's mouth?  Who makes him mute, or deaf, or seeing, or blind?  Is it not I, the LORD?  Now therefore go, and I will be with your mouth and teach you what you shall speak."  Ex 4:11  I gave you that stutter, boy.  You just have to go, it's my words they will hear!  God made Moses with a speech impediment so all would know it was God's power, not Moses'.  So God would get the glory!  OK so that got my attention.  God's words.  Not mine. 

If you continue to read, just like me, just like my teenager, Moses KEEPS ON ARGUING!!  But he (Moses) said, "Oh my Lord, please send someone else."  Then the anger of the Lord was kindled against Moses."  Ex 4:13

Seriously Moses?  This is God!  I feel like a kid watching another kid argue with the principal and thinking, "he is gonna die!"  But isn't that what I am doing?  Letting my fear overwhelm me so that I kick and struggle against my Saviour like a drowning person fights against the one who has dived into save them? 

OK so now I'm seeing my childishness.  But I'm also see how much glory God will get if I follow this path.  I began this post with the words "scared the crap out of me" but beyond that didn't know what I was going to say.  Yet here I am, many words later.  I find that when I finish a post, I often read back and wonder where the words came from.  And I see God's hand at work.  He dictated and I just held the pen.

So any of you who tell me you cry and laugh (a friend today told me it made her "craugh"!) when you read my posts, just know that God reached out to touch your heart as you read.  He had something to say and you were on His heart.  So, from this inadequate, surrounded by piles of laundry and insecurity, mom...I hope you hear and know, they are words from one who loves you.  I am just the typist.  :)